wo hen shang xin... wo bu xiang ba ta gei wang ji. wo bu yao ta cong wo de sheng ming li li kai. wei shen me gao bie de shi hou zong shi zhe me de tong ne?

Yea, we broke up. I didnt cry all the time. Only at some times then i'll cry, but not for long.. it's either when I'm lying on the bed or I looked at our pic, the messages and memories. Other than that, i didnt cry.

However, all the time I feel damn heavy. freaking. It feels as though i've gained 10kg. Every step that I take, it seems forever. I was still hoping that all this is a dream. I cannot stop myself from it. Frankly speaking, this r/s didnt really hurt me that much as compared to past 2. Or maybe this hurts the most, just that I'm getting used to being hurt, so i dont really feel much impact.

Many ppl are telling me to move on. I feel that he still likes me. feel. But I know someday, he will eventually start to forget me already. I know he's treating me as an option, yet I still couldnt stop myself from treating him as priority. Maybe I've really grown up. I dont wish for more. I am not like in the past, hoping that we will patch back. If he's really more comfortable without me, i'm happy. If that's what he wants and he feels that he can have a better life, i'm happy. Idk and I dont care if I still like him. I cannot say i'll like him forever. Because who knows, once poly life starts, everything change. He might even get a gf from his course, everyday can see each other, how great. Maybe the girl lives near him, damn good. Can meet up conveniently. As for me, I have already made a deal with myself.. After him, I wont be involved in another relationship anymore. 3 times failed. I had enough. Singlehood is better, although at times you really hope that there's a guy whos always there for you. Relationships are freaking tiring.. always hurt here and there.. i'm really getting numb.

Since he wants to concentrate on his studies, spend more time with mum, so be it. He said both of us cannot understand each other, he said he's too immature for relationships, so be it. I wont find him a bastard because he still treats me as a friend. In a way, we are back to siblings.. The brother who used to take care of me during work, the brother who used to dote on me, the brother who used to care for me.. Is back. It's better than him totally ignoring me. thats the bastard.

I still couldnt stop myself from stalking his facebook, looking at his msn name+pm even if he's offline. I still couldnt stop myself from looking under "colleagues" to see if he's online everytime. When he's online, we dont talk. But somehow I can feel that we are connected even though there isnt any msn conversations with him. At least we have 1 thing in common which is, we are on msn. At least i can visualise him sitting infront of his computer. when he's offline and not working at ritz, not smsing me, I feel fucking lost. I cannot visualise where is he. Its like a rat getting lost in a jungle. I need to constantly visualise where is he, so that I can have a peace of mind. Take now for example. he isnt working today, and i saw him online for JUST AWHILE and went offline. I wonder if he's appearing offline or really offline. I feel damn lost right now as i couldnt visualise him at all. But I guess he's at home. Thats the reason why sometimes i'll just ask my friends "where are you" just for fun, because I am visualising where are them etc. I feel more at ease. Yy is working right now, and I can visualise that she must be running up and down in her sakae uniform. But.... I cannot visualise him.

why am i writing all this here.. to be honest, I somehow hope that he'll read it and pretend he doesnt know this blog. like funny hor? I want him to know how i feel , but i just couldnt open my mouth and tell him. hoping that he'll somehow come across to this blog of mine, and keep mum about it. hahahhaha, isnt that what every girl hopes for, for those who has a private blog of their own? If they really want to keep it private, they wont even announce it in their public blog yeh.

finally

Finally i've created a private blog for myself. :) At least when I have to rant everything, I can just rant it over here.
Usually when girls create a private blog, yet it's unlocked, it meant that the girl would silently hope that particular person whom we've been referring to will be reading this blog someday. Yes I admit I am feeling this way, right now. But the other side of me hopes that he wont get to read this, because if he really does, more and more misunderstandings will occur and I dont think our r/s could continue yeh..


So today we kinda cold war. i know i'm fucking lame. i know.
his pm wrote he'll be a good boy. sounds v familiar as i rmbed seeing him on fb telling YH (ok i'll not mention anybody's names here, later got more misunderstandings then gg) that he'll be a good boy. yes, he told me "YH asked me to be good boy de" im like damn agitated when i saw that. Last time when I asked him to PROMISE me not to smoke, he broke it. I asked him to be a good boy as well, he broke it by smoking. Now YH aka his jiejie just told him over fb and he got so obedient. I feel so fucking hurt. I know I shouldnt be so sensitive. He knows the reason why im so sensitive. For the past 2 fail r/s, both of the guys simply hurt me when I completely trust them. thinking that they got close with girls = ok for me. but in the end they disliked me. So now frankly speaking, if you want me to 100% trust Ivan, sorry to say but I cant. I'm fucking afraid that the history would repeat itself again. and i know this is very unfair to him. but I just couldnt ask myself to take the risk one more time. Looking at all the posts he made on fb to his so-called jiejie, plus smsing JY, it totally hurts me. I already tried not to be too close with my bros, afraid that ivan might not be happy. but in the end it's other way round. do you know that sometimes i really wish that the reason of him getting closer to other girls is because he wants to take revenge on me?!?! I would seriously feel better this way if that's the truth.
Even though he was just joking around, telling me that he'll go find other girls once poly life starts, i still feel afraid. fucking afraid to the extend whereby i'll push him away, neglect him all the way just becos the fear is surrounding me?
even though both of us alr acknowledged each other as our future spouses, hah. I still feel that i'm gonna lose Ivan ng haojun one day due to my immature actions. and i'll be down there crying alone without anybody to wipe my tears away.
today i just had a nightmare. dreamt of ivan ng leaving me. he was inside his daddy's car and waving at me. after that i went to the washroom or smth, then i got stucked inside and no matter how loud my voice is, nobody is there for me anymore. do you know how scary it is?!?! words totally cannot be described.
well i shouldnt be complaining now. i should just sleep. maybe i should just stop stalking his fb profile.
I know this is fucking ridiculous, but just now i almost have the urge to break up with him...?! Its not because i dont like him anymore. I just dont want my sensitive/paranoia actions to make him hate me... i really dont want him to hate me due to my paranoia. I would rather break up, at least i wont throw my temper at him anymore.. i wont make him feel bad or sad anymore.. I just want him to be happy, but somehow i can sense that he isnt happy when i'm always being unreasonable. I make him sad. I feel fucking guilty. Should I just give him a break by not deciding to stay with him? But... i still love him fucking much.

hi yuanyi. plz message me after you finish reading this ok. cos i really dont know what to do. in a dilemma.