finally

Finally i've created a private blog for myself. :) At least when I have to rant everything, I can just rant it over here.
Usually when girls create a private blog, yet it's unlocked, it meant that the girl would silently hope that particular person whom we've been referring to will be reading this blog someday. Yes I admit I am feeling this way, right now. But the other side of me hopes that he wont get to read this, because if he really does, more and more misunderstandings will occur and I dont think our r/s could continue yeh..


So today we kinda cold war. i know i'm fucking lame. i know.
his pm wrote he'll be a good boy. sounds v familiar as i rmbed seeing him on fb telling YH (ok i'll not mention anybody's names here, later got more misunderstandings then gg) that he'll be a good boy. yes, he told me "YH asked me to be good boy de" im like damn agitated when i saw that. Last time when I asked him to PROMISE me not to smoke, he broke it. I asked him to be a good boy as well, he broke it by smoking. Now YH aka his jiejie just told him over fb and he got so obedient. I feel so fucking hurt. I know I shouldnt be so sensitive. He knows the reason why im so sensitive. For the past 2 fail r/s, both of the guys simply hurt me when I completely trust them. thinking that they got close with girls = ok for me. but in the end they disliked me. So now frankly speaking, if you want me to 100% trust Ivan, sorry to say but I cant. I'm fucking afraid that the history would repeat itself again. and i know this is very unfair to him. but I just couldnt ask myself to take the risk one more time. Looking at all the posts he made on fb to his so-called jiejie, plus smsing JY, it totally hurts me. I already tried not to be too close with my bros, afraid that ivan might not be happy. but in the end it's other way round. do you know that sometimes i really wish that the reason of him getting closer to other girls is because he wants to take revenge on me?!?! I would seriously feel better this way if that's the truth.
Even though he was just joking around, telling me that he'll go find other girls once poly life starts, i still feel afraid. fucking afraid to the extend whereby i'll push him away, neglect him all the way just becos the fear is surrounding me?
even though both of us alr acknowledged each other as our future spouses, hah. I still feel that i'm gonna lose Ivan ng haojun one day due to my immature actions. and i'll be down there crying alone without anybody to wipe my tears away.
today i just had a nightmare. dreamt of ivan ng leaving me. he was inside his daddy's car and waving at me. after that i went to the washroom or smth, then i got stucked inside and no matter how loud my voice is, nobody is there for me anymore. do you know how scary it is?!?! words totally cannot be described.
well i shouldnt be complaining now. i should just sleep. maybe i should just stop stalking his fb profile.
I know this is fucking ridiculous, but just now i almost have the urge to break up with him...?! Its not because i dont like him anymore. I just dont want my sensitive/paranoia actions to make him hate me... i really dont want him to hate me due to my paranoia. I would rather break up, at least i wont throw my temper at him anymore.. i wont make him feel bad or sad anymore.. I just want him to be happy, but somehow i can sense that he isnt happy when i'm always being unreasonable. I make him sad. I feel fucking guilty. Should I just give him a break by not deciding to stay with him? But... i still love him fucking much.

hi yuanyi. plz message me after you finish reading this ok. cos i really dont know what to do. in a dilemma.