Yea, we broke up. I didnt cry all the time. Only at some times then i'll cry, but not for long.. it's either when I'm lying on the bed or I looked at our pic, the messages and memories. Other than that, i didnt cry.

However, all the time I feel damn heavy. freaking. It feels as though i've gained 10kg. Every step that I take, it seems forever. I was still hoping that all this is a dream. I cannot stop myself from it. Frankly speaking, this r/s didnt really hurt me that much as compared to past 2. Or maybe this hurts the most, just that I'm getting used to being hurt, so i dont really feel much impact.

Many ppl are telling me to move on. I feel that he still likes me. feel. But I know someday, he will eventually start to forget me already. I know he's treating me as an option, yet I still couldnt stop myself from treating him as priority. Maybe I've really grown up. I dont wish for more. I am not like in the past, hoping that we will patch back. If he's really more comfortable without me, i'm happy. If that's what he wants and he feels that he can have a better life, i'm happy. Idk and I dont care if I still like him. I cannot say i'll like him forever. Because who knows, once poly life starts, everything change. He might even get a gf from his course, everyday can see each other, how great. Maybe the girl lives near him, damn good. Can meet up conveniently. As for me, I have already made a deal with myself.. After him, I wont be involved in another relationship anymore. 3 times failed. I had enough. Singlehood is better, although at times you really hope that there's a guy whos always there for you. Relationships are freaking tiring.. always hurt here and there.. i'm really getting numb.

Since he wants to concentrate on his studies, spend more time with mum, so be it. He said both of us cannot understand each other, he said he's too immature for relationships, so be it. I wont find him a bastard because he still treats me as a friend. In a way, we are back to siblings.. The brother who used to take care of me during work, the brother who used to dote on me, the brother who used to care for me.. Is back. It's better than him totally ignoring me. thats the bastard.

I still couldnt stop myself from stalking his facebook, looking at his msn name+pm even if he's offline. I still couldnt stop myself from looking under "colleagues" to see if he's online everytime. When he's online, we dont talk. But somehow I can feel that we are connected even though there isnt any msn conversations with him. At least we have 1 thing in common which is, we are on msn. At least i can visualise him sitting infront of his computer. when he's offline and not working at ritz, not smsing me, I feel fucking lost. I cannot visualise where is he. Its like a rat getting lost in a jungle. I need to constantly visualise where is he, so that I can have a peace of mind. Take now for example. he isnt working today, and i saw him online for JUST AWHILE and went offline. I wonder if he's appearing offline or really offline. I feel damn lost right now as i couldnt visualise him at all. But I guess he's at home. Thats the reason why sometimes i'll just ask my friends "where are you" just for fun, because I am visualising where are them etc. I feel more at ease. Yy is working right now, and I can visualise that she must be running up and down in her sakae uniform. But.... I cannot visualise him.

why am i writing all this here.. to be honest, I somehow hope that he'll read it and pretend he doesnt know this blog. like funny hor? I want him to know how i feel , but i just couldnt open my mouth and tell him. hoping that he'll somehow come across to this blog of mine, and keep mum about it. hahahhaha, isnt that what every girl hopes for, for those who has a private blog of their own? If they really want to keep it private, they wont even announce it in their public blog yeh.