I miss you so much.
The moment I was released from work, i miss you terribly much.
dontknow why i'm feeling this way....

Our favourite picture outta the most of all.

I reallyy miss those times.

Fuck. Eve told me he only cares for me as a brother.

I hate this. Why must it turn out to be like this.

I know i'll get upset when I know the actual answer

Yet I still die die want to know

because All i hope for is that the answer will be what I want from my heart...

If he didnt like me, why does he have to kiss me when we just woke up from the chalet?

why does he gets so freaking anxious about my hand when i injured myself?

why does he gets 'jealous' whenever I'm always sticking with Andy?

why does he keeps on disturbing me about marcus when he found out that I was smsing with marcus?

Why does he have to tell zhengmin that I "pi tui" when he found out that I am close with marcus? (PI TUI SOMEMORE. so he knows i still likes him?)

why does he have to give me that kind of look everytime?

why does he keeps on checking my hp to know who am i messaging with?

why is he willing to come and find me when i merely asked him to come over when i was at chomp chomp?

why does he kiss me when he said thanks while I passed him his belated bday present?

why does he tells me that he didnt forget about me at all during the chalet?

why does he still keeps my passport picture at his home?

why does he refrain himself from cutting botak when he knows I love his long hair?

(At dte, he told me he wanted to have a hair cut. I jokingly asked him to shave botak. he said this, "dont want la. remember that time on the bus you said you dislike botak guys?" I know he's keeping his long hair becos of me. I know......)

why does he always find excuses unknowingly to get close to me?

why does he tries to hold onto my hand on friday when I met up with him for work? (instead, he held onto my fingers.... trying to pick a fight with me but held onto my fingers)

why does he tries to hug me to slp?

why does his face gets v near to mine, with that kind of look in his eyes?

why does he tries to hug me from behind when we were on the escalator?

why does he claim himself as my 'brother'?

why does he keep his problems away from me, when I know he doesnt want me to get worried for him?

why is he forever SO STUPID to think that I dont like him anymore?

why is he so cute to me always?

why does he ask eugenia and others about me when he saw my face was black?

why does he care so much when Andy and I are contacting, he just doesnt want to admit he's jealous?

why does he act like he doesnt care but actually I can sense that he cares?

why does he cares if i'll get heartbroken or not? then he'll be keeping the truth from me.

why does he puts me as a priority after his parents?

why doesnt he wants me to know that he cares for me? He is actually caring for me behind my back, yet he doesnt show it to me.

why does he makes me think that he doesnt like me anymore?

why does he always want to be the bad guy infront of me when he is actually not?

why doesnt he wants to talk to me to settle some matters?

why does he has to make me feel as though my lovelife is like in a drama?



LASTLY, why do I want to make him feel that I dont like him, when actually I DO. All along, I admit that I got close with certain guys just becos I want to make him jealous. I wanted to test whats his reaction. but in the end I failed.... the more I talk to the guys, the more i'll think of him. Another reason of why I interact with guys is becos I wanted myself to forget about ivan. the more i get close with guys, every single minute my mind is full of ivan, i dont give a shit to others.



This time, it's really very different. I know whenever he's with zm, he could laugh and smile as he finds zm a very funny girl. If it was in the past, I would have gotten jealous and will try ways to break both of them apart. but now..... I even hoped that zm will be there for him. So that he could smile + laugh. to me, what matters most is his smile, and his laughters. that's all I wanted to see. nothing else matters other than that.



In conclusion, I hope that I still stand a special place in his heart. No matter what... even though I know once he gets into poly, he'll definitely like another girl.... I'm just a nobody to him anymore aint i? slowly, he'll start to forget me. i dread this....



& As I'm typing this post, idk how much i've teared.

Felt so happy when I manage to see him ytd. My heart sank when i heard from eve that he isnt coming.. He lied to eve. :\ sigh, he said he was tired and dont really feel like coming. Deep inside, i was hoping that his reason for coming is becos of me :) But i doubt so.. sigh

Today I lied to him. Tmr's sentosa outting and i said somebody needs his companion, obviously is me. I lied to him saying it's rena. he knows i'm lying, and he wants to know the truth. I kept on saying nobody. It's actually ME ME ME. but ya.. self-contradiction. poly is really starting soon and I'm really afraid right now.

So many things happened at the chalet. Found out that Ivan didnt forget me at all. So all of my predictions are right. but there's 1 thing. Once poly starts, we wont get to see each other often and there will be prettier girls in his course.. slowly, he will start to forget about me. He is such an ass seriously.. He got family problem, kept on drinking breezer at night, afternoon also. Face damn red, for me, 1 look I can see he got problems. I asked him, and he kept on saying "I'm okay" with that "not okay face". My heart honestly hurt like mad when I saw the situation. Zm and the rest knows what happened. But he purposely doesnt want to tell me. I asked him politely why, he said he doesnt want me to even get MORE worried for him... Feel like slapping him. He is very stupid la. I'll anyhow think of 101 possible reasons and will definitely get more worried lor. If he tells me, at least I dont have to think of so many reasons and yet I wont know the ans.. It's more worrying. Asshole.

3rd night, I was sleeping tgt with him (dont think wrong..) i swear that night was the greatest night, ever. Although he was sleeping soundly whereas I cannot get to sleep, I secretly kissed him.. hahaha, like those dramas right. I told myself, this will REALLY be the last time that I can get in contact with him at sucha close distance. Almost wanted to cry. When I woke up, I found him hugging me tightly to sleep... Seriously the feeling is very nice. I mean, I feel really v blessed, although we are bros&sis for now. He treats me as his meimei. Hope this kind of friendship continues. but i really cannot stop myself from worrying when I see him emo-ing. I hope zm will be there for him to cheer him up... that's all I want. I want him to be happy. I dont want to give him anymore problems. Ivanng, please rmb that I am still there for you. (: Be it as a friend, meimei or what... Because I still care for you, and the love I have for you didnt change, AT ALL since we got to know each other... okokok mushymushy. but it's true .

Ytd was the sentosa outting..
When I saw them, let's call him "XZX" ok? LOL!! I scared later they google his name then can find until this blog. :P
XZX supposingly was walking tgt with E. Then when Andy and I joined them, XZX came walking beside me, and bullying me as usual. :( kick the sand on me blabla.
& XZX PULL ME INTO THE SEAAAAAA URGHHHH! Rq they all asked him to buy pad for me HAHAHAH. damn funny. Was rather surprised that he is willing to accompany me walk all the way to 711. I saw the pad selling at $8.30 like wtf i can buy 2 packets at giant or smth lor... He thought I dontwanna buy is becos of being paiseh, then he actually said "You scared paiseh I help you carry the pad la" LOL TTM LA. (He doesnt look joking) Rather touched u know anot. I heard from dontknow where, when a guy is willing to sacrifice his face/ego for a girl, it means that the girl really mean a lot to him. icecream, slurpy, water, many many... sigh.
When i was talking to yy on the phone at night at vivo, I THINK HE WALK PASSED ME LEH!!!! WHAT WAS I TALKING AT THAT POINT OF TIME? SHIT I THINK HE HEARD IT. zzz

o.o

today while clearing up after the event ended, I accidentally cut my index finger.. Luckily it's right hand lor. it was bleeding lor. UNDER MY FINGERNAIL SOMEMORE. a little gross. my fingernail is like, RED IN COLOUR. lolz.

Obviously I cannot run to Him and inform about it right.. I mean, siao ah. Unless i'm still his gf lar, then if the first person to inform SHOULD BE HIM. but that isnt the case. The next person I can think of is Andy. Went back to the kitchen and told Andy, Ivan was.... at the stewarding area. Andy and I were outside chill room. Showed Andy my bleeding finger... Ivan walked passed us and he notice about it.. Andy was like telling me "faster go wash your wound first". Then it's like, before I can answer Andy, Ivan held onto my finger and dragged me go chill room to wash. LIKE omg. I swear I saw his face. Is like those damn worried one. and he kept on 'scolding' me for being dumb -_- He was holding onto my finger ALL THE WAY leh. While he was doing so, I was feeling rather elated, but at the same time kinda scared because what if other managers or Harta saw it... they will definitely scold him, as I can wash it myself mah. Sigh.. idk idk. There's something I know from today. He still cares for me. Because now HE KEEP ON BULLYING ME. Even though I know i'm not the one who is closest to him now, at least I aint a normal friend to him. I know I still cannot forget... but i'm just waiting for time to pass. Hopefully i'll be able to put down someday. Amy and yy, please dont rush me to forget this love. because I really want to treasure all this time with him even as a friend before poly starts.. once poly starts, i know i'll never ever have the chance to see him ever again. this is what i truly fear. I can only see him thru fb pictures.. that's all. Ya but i know both of you are hoping that i'll get over it soon, but i know both of you arent rushing me. loveya guys so much. :)

THANKS AMYYYYY FOR THE CHEERING UP POST :) hehe.
& maybe what Amy said is right, the reason why I cannot seem to forget him is because during work i'll still get to see him, thats why.
Because today he didnt report to work due to his injuries, and I totally feel NOTHING. I mean, I thought today's work will be rather sian or what becos he never attend. However, unexpectedly I had fun!!! ^^ Just that while enterring the kitchen, I feel alittle "empty". Like usually if he got work in the same event as me, I'll tend to have the urge to find excuses to go to the kitchen, because I have a chance of seeing his face. But today I am freaking lazy to go to the kitchen. HAHAHHA I KNOW I V FUNNEH.

But ya, everytime I'll make excuses to fly back to the kitchen, hoping that i'll be able to see him as well. But today, I kept on asking my group mates to go to the kitchen instead. muahaha.

Time will heal I GUESS. I've already started to take notice of other guys. BUT. I dont even think of having a crush. No matter how many handsome guys I take note of, he is still in my mind. zzz