Ytd was the sentosa outting..
When I saw them, let's call him "XZX" ok? LOL!! I scared later they google his name then can find until this blog. :P
XZX supposingly was walking tgt with E. Then when Andy and I joined them, XZX came walking beside me, and bullying me as usual. :( kick the sand on me blabla.
& XZX PULL ME INTO THE SEAAAAAA URGHHHH! Rq they all asked him to buy pad for me HAHAHAH. damn funny. Was rather surprised that he is willing to accompany me walk all the way to 711. I saw the pad selling at $8.30 like wtf i can buy 2 packets at giant or smth lor... He thought I dontwanna buy is becos of being paiseh, then he actually said "You scared paiseh I help you carry the pad la" LOL TTM LA. (He doesnt look joking) Rather touched u know anot. I heard from dontknow where, when a guy is willing to sacrifice his face/ego for a girl, it means that the girl really mean a lot to him. icecream, slurpy, water, many many... sigh.
When i was talking to yy on the phone at night at vivo, I THINK HE WALK PASSED ME LEH!!!! WHAT WAS I TALKING AT THAT POINT OF TIME? SHIT I THINK HE HEARD IT. zzz

o.o

today while clearing up after the event ended, I accidentally cut my index finger.. Luckily it's right hand lor. it was bleeding lor. UNDER MY FINGERNAIL SOMEMORE. a little gross. my fingernail is like, RED IN COLOUR. lolz.

Obviously I cannot run to Him and inform about it right.. I mean, siao ah. Unless i'm still his gf lar, then if the first person to inform SHOULD BE HIM. but that isnt the case. The next person I can think of is Andy. Went back to the kitchen and told Andy, Ivan was.... at the stewarding area. Andy and I were outside chill room. Showed Andy my bleeding finger... Ivan walked passed us and he notice about it.. Andy was like telling me "faster go wash your wound first". Then it's like, before I can answer Andy, Ivan held onto my finger and dragged me go chill room to wash. LIKE omg. I swear I saw his face. Is like those damn worried one. and he kept on 'scolding' me for being dumb -_- He was holding onto my finger ALL THE WAY leh. While he was doing so, I was feeling rather elated, but at the same time kinda scared because what if other managers or Harta saw it... they will definitely scold him, as I can wash it myself mah. Sigh.. idk idk. There's something I know from today. He still cares for me. Because now HE KEEP ON BULLYING ME. Even though I know i'm not the one who is closest to him now, at least I aint a normal friend to him. I know I still cannot forget... but i'm just waiting for time to pass. Hopefully i'll be able to put down someday. Amy and yy, please dont rush me to forget this love. because I really want to treasure all this time with him even as a friend before poly starts.. once poly starts, i know i'll never ever have the chance to see him ever again. this is what i truly fear. I can only see him thru fb pictures.. that's all. Ya but i know both of you are hoping that i'll get over it soon, but i know both of you arent rushing me. loveya guys so much. :)

THANKS AMYYYYY FOR THE CHEERING UP POST :) hehe.
& maybe what Amy said is right, the reason why I cannot seem to forget him is because during work i'll still get to see him, thats why.
Because today he didnt report to work due to his injuries, and I totally feel NOTHING. I mean, I thought today's work will be rather sian or what becos he never attend. However, unexpectedly I had fun!!! ^^ Just that while enterring the kitchen, I feel alittle "empty". Like usually if he got work in the same event as me, I'll tend to have the urge to find excuses to go to the kitchen, because I have a chance of seeing his face. But today I am freaking lazy to go to the kitchen. HAHAHHA I KNOW I V FUNNEH.

But ya, everytime I'll make excuses to fly back to the kitchen, hoping that i'll be able to see him as well. But today, I kept on asking my group mates to go to the kitchen instead. muahaha.

Time will heal I GUESS. I've already started to take notice of other guys. BUT. I dont even think of having a crush. No matter how many handsome guys I take note of, he is still in my mind. zzz

feeling deeper or?

Now when I look at his face (picture), i'll feel damn bloody angry. IDK WHY. zzz.
You mentioned before, not to hate him, because if i ever do, i'll never be able to forget him. BUT I AM DAMN ZZZZZZZZZ. IDK WHY IDK WHY. His facebook shoutout is apologising. I only SUSPECT it's referring to me. because in my plurk i was writing about the letter blabla.

I swear I got bloody pissed when I see him apologising (i'll just take it as he's referring to me) over fb. LIKE WTF. Does he think that apologising will solve the problem? HE'S FOREVER APOLOGISING TO ME because he doesnt like me anymore! F-ing pissed. If he is really feeling apologetic about it, in the first place he shouldnt have played with me. He shouldnt even got to know me in the first place...........

I know what am I pissed at. I am pissed at him NOT because he's close with other girls.

I. Am. Pissed. Off. Because. How. Can. He. Say. "Dont. like. me. anymore". So. Easily. When. I. Cant. Even. Do. It.

HOW COME HE CAN SO FAST DONT LIKE ME ONE. AM I REALLY THAT IRRITATING. I ALSO NV MAKE HIM OR SMTH. Fuck. zz. I was really stupid to believe that he might not forget about me. He doesnt even give a shit to me anymore. All the conversations I had with him before, he's having the similar one with his dearest jie.
Thats why I kept on reminding myself, he aint treating me as the special one anymore. never. ever.

Till now, I havent stop questioning myself if joining Airshow is the right choice.
Everything before airshow seemed so perfect, work seemed easy, peaceful, joy, whatever positive adjective you can think of. Friendship seemed growing, prosperous, stronger, happier etc. Life seemed full of surprises, filled with love, feeling happy whenever I wake up everyday, stress-free, any trouble cannot bring me down.

After that unforgettable week, everything has slowly changed, unknowingly. Everything was too perfect until I couldnt be alert and notice that every single thing that is filled with happiness is vanishing. Infact, I thought things will EVEN get better. I was so naive and so wrong. I aint referring to 1 matter, but many, as a whole. After ssckk reminded me that the first time when he was my group leader, everything seemed easy. But now. Fucking stressful. Last time our happiness bar is full, but now, half half.. Typical Singaporean ah me. Forever complaining.

I said I feel blessed when I see her with you. It assures me that she'll take good care of you, even better than me.
But I dontknow why, sometimes I'll feel paranoid & pessimistic.
E commented that both of us are quite funny. Both of us like cannot put down the past (idk about you), yet there's another person of the opposite gender who is close to us. In other words, it's like wanting to make each other jealous.
I know this sound ridiculous. Maybe not even love at all. Love isnt supposed to be jealous, instead I should feel truly elated if I ever see him tgt with her.
Just some parts of me feel............ a little awkward. A small little part of me is extremely afraid that something might sparkle between them. He assured me that nothing will come outta it because she's older. But Idk about her... she is very sociable with guys, who knows one day she might treat him not only as a brother.
sigh. Now in his life, the only thing that revolves around him is SISTER.
Seriously I wonder if you still care for me, even for A BIT.

I have told yy about today.
-He took the initiative to talk to me, as a friend.
-He notices me.
-He took barley water for me to drink. (P.S. I REALLY WANTED TO CHOOSE BARLEY & I DIDNT KNOW THAT HE KNOW)
-He got stunned and used 'coincidence' as an excuse
-He purposely sat beside me
-Rq knew it was awkward, she asked me to sit beside her instead.
-He knew I dont eat spicy things
-He notices me.

I really dont care if he did all this as a friend or lover. From what I know, both of us promised to care for each other as friends. I am also caring for him as a friend. I'm really satisfied to see E taking care of him. I believe E can do a better job than me. Since he feels happier by spending all his time with winston and co., I should feel happy for him. (: I've learnt. I know I still love him. thats for sure. I've never ever wanted to forget him or forget this love. This is one-sided thingy. I know it's gonna be hard, but at least I can be there for him as a friend. that's all I want. Afterall, i still hope sincerely that he still cannot forget me.................. HEHEH SO EVIL RIGHT ME. I still hope his feelings for me didnt change.. i really hope so. But once poly life starts, hahaha DAMN HARD TO SAY ALR. really must let fate decides for me. because i cannot 100% guarantee I will still love him after poly life starts. but i can 100% comfirm that I wont be interested in other guys anymore. In conclusion, it's either I still continue to care for him, or I dont love him already. because if I never have the chance to see him, feelings might fade. MIGHT. but usually for me, IT WONT FADE. So yah. aiya. care for him as a friend is enough for me.

damn pissed off. Mum and dad keeps on saying they have no $ for laptop, fees blabla. then in the first place when they asks me to go poly, i alr questioned them if they have the ability to do so because poly's fees and miscellanous things are gonna be a burden to them. they keep on saying AS LONG AS YOU CAN GET IN, MONEY NO PROBLEM. then now what?!
I decided not to apply for the PC notebook financial assistance scheme already. it's seriously freaking mafan, have to send things to SP, go DBS bank sign this and that, photocopy things bla. wtfuck. somemore the very first step of applying is to log onto some bloody website. I TRIED USING MY SP ACCOUNT BUT THEY SAY MY ID DOESNT EXIST. damn pissed off. it's just $1.1k+ cannot even pay meh? if they cannot even pay for my laptop, i think the following semester is gonna have a hard time. tyvm.

I dont know if yuanyi is still reading my blog... lolol.

Yea this is the only place that i can pen down all my thoughts and stuff... the only 'quiet' place.
Ytd was playing truth or dare with colleagues. I kanna truth. Actually the atmosphere is kinda awkward.. because I truly believe that they actually want to ask me something regarding him. But in the end Rena asked me if i like boys with chesthair.. hahaha.

I truly feel blessed that there's a girl out there who is taking care of him as a brother. seriously. It's not jealousy.. just that sometimes i'll feel a little sad, (but that's allright) because I aint the girl who's always there for him. it's not gonna be me anymore.

I know all the managers are laughing behind my back, i know. by looking at their faces, i can see it. They must be thinking, i'm so desperate for him. whatever... although it's kinda hurting, I'm gonna be okay. I will stay strong... I must have really made him turned off thats why he dislikes me now. I even find it awkward to stay as friends.. quite true. somebody told me this. if you and him can really stay as friends within sucha short period of time without any awkwardness, that means either both of you didnt truly love each other or both of you acknowledge the r/s as a fling. I really cannot make friends with him for sucha short time. I cannot do it. Because I truly love him before and I dont take that r/s as a fling. but idk about him. He must be telling the managers of what truly happened.. They never fail to threaten him to say the truth... I feel so bloody hurt right now.

Why must I always wear a mask wherever I go? Infront of a certain ppl, i needa wear mask A. Infront of another group of ppl I needa wear mask B. Now even infront of my family I needa wear mask C. The only time when I dont needa wear masks is when I'm alone.

i can tell nobody

Dear diary, I dreamt of him again.. Why does my dream consists of him every single day? This time round I dreamt of him getting intimate with me just like how he used to... As i'm typing this, my heart is crying... Physically also. I still remember those times when he said something i cannot hear, then i'd say "huh what did you say?" and he'll act cute and say "i said i love you". I really didnt know what to reply as i was really touched by it, so i scolded him "siao". Then he'll act getting pissed off and say "ok lor you say I siao, mandy soon this will be the last time i'm gonna say this to you" with that act cute face... I could never forget about this. But without fail, he'll forget about it and this scenario happens again.. it really brightens my day to see his 'acting-piss-off-face'.. Ytd was my first day of moving on.. today is the 2nd day. It really hurts me freaking much... I had always thought that moving on is easy to me. I just dont have to remember the love we once shared. But it isnt easy as what i've thought... it seriously hurts. i've read my previous posts. I mentioned that this r/s aint that hurting as the past 2 r/s i've had. I AM WRONG. very wrong... this r/s seriously hurts me THE MOST.
I have to put up a strong front for my friends and family, because i dontwant them to worry... All of them are telling me that he isnt worth my tears at all, prove to him that i can live better without him. Different advices.. i've heard of it until i sian already. But there's 1 thing...

How can I prove to him that I can live better without him when I actually cant do it?!?! I feel so hypocritical to do so... Well im not trying to say that i can die without him. but life without him feels like something big is really missing in my life. Andy asked me to move on. He asked me to cheer up. Weili told me this kind of guy is seriously NOTHING. She feels that Ivan didnt even like me in the first place. Many told me that I wasnt ivan's first gf, he was just lying to you. zm says leave it to fate if both of you are really meant to be tgt. edna says give up on him and move on. love says dont care about whatever hes doing. eddy says just dont care and he believes he'll have his retribution soon.

Idk whats my own say. Afterall the decision lies in me. But all I know now is that I STILL GET AFFECTED BY HIM. How am i supposed to move on? I've already deleted all his messages to me, including the VERY first intro sms he sent me. I was crying without any tears while doing so.. Including that confession sms he sent me on 16th dec.. how could I be so jue and delete it?!

He has really changed.. I hate the fact that the old harry is dead.. I really really want that old harry back....... i really want him back badly. The new ivan is killing me.. he doesnt give a damn to me, he started to get rebelious, he isnt the one that motivates me to work. he doesnt seem to be that caring anymore.

sometimes it really sucks to lie to your friends that you're ok when you're actually not. but even if i tell them i'm not okay, they also cannot do anything.. so why bother to tell them the truth?

last time i use to sleep, hopefully to make myself better. but now the more i sleep, the more pain i'll get....... sometimes i just feel sucha failure. why did i lose to ivan ng hao jun. He is just a normal guy who lives at north, while i live at south. our lives just met each other purely while working. after our lines touched, both of us went our separate ways again. its just a short period of time, we are just back into our originially lives, before i enter ritz. but why does it seem so IMPOSSIBLE to do so.