i can tell nobody

Dear diary, I dreamt of him again.. Why does my dream consists of him every single day? This time round I dreamt of him getting intimate with me just like how he used to... As i'm typing this, my heart is crying... Physically also. I still remember those times when he said something i cannot hear, then i'd say "huh what did you say?" and he'll act cute and say "i said i love you". I really didnt know what to reply as i was really touched by it, so i scolded him "siao". Then he'll act getting pissed off and say "ok lor you say I siao, mandy soon this will be the last time i'm gonna say this to you" with that act cute face... I could never forget about this. But without fail, he'll forget about it and this scenario happens again.. it really brightens my day to see his 'acting-piss-off-face'.. Ytd was my first day of moving on.. today is the 2nd day. It really hurts me freaking much... I had always thought that moving on is easy to me. I just dont have to remember the love we once shared. But it isnt easy as what i've thought... it seriously hurts. i've read my previous posts. I mentioned that this r/s aint that hurting as the past 2 r/s i've had. I AM WRONG. very wrong... this r/s seriously hurts me THE MOST.
I have to put up a strong front for my friends and family, because i dontwant them to worry... All of them are telling me that he isnt worth my tears at all, prove to him that i can live better without him. Different advices.. i've heard of it until i sian already. But there's 1 thing...

How can I prove to him that I can live better without him when I actually cant do it?!?! I feel so hypocritical to do so... Well im not trying to say that i can die without him. but life without him feels like something big is really missing in my life. Andy asked me to move on. He asked me to cheer up. Weili told me this kind of guy is seriously NOTHING. She feels that Ivan didnt even like me in the first place. Many told me that I wasnt ivan's first gf, he was just lying to you. zm says leave it to fate if both of you are really meant to be tgt. edna says give up on him and move on. love says dont care about whatever hes doing. eddy says just dont care and he believes he'll have his retribution soon.

Idk whats my own say. Afterall the decision lies in me. But all I know now is that I STILL GET AFFECTED BY HIM. How am i supposed to move on? I've already deleted all his messages to me, including the VERY first intro sms he sent me. I was crying without any tears while doing so.. Including that confession sms he sent me on 16th dec.. how could I be so jue and delete it?!

He has really changed.. I hate the fact that the old harry is dead.. I really really want that old harry back....... i really want him back badly. The new ivan is killing me.. he doesnt give a damn to me, he started to get rebelious, he isnt the one that motivates me to work. he doesnt seem to be that caring anymore.

sometimes it really sucks to lie to your friends that you're ok when you're actually not. but even if i tell them i'm not okay, they also cannot do anything.. so why bother to tell them the truth?

last time i use to sleep, hopefully to make myself better. but now the more i sleep, the more pain i'll get....... sometimes i just feel sucha failure. why did i lose to ivan ng hao jun. He is just a normal guy who lives at north, while i live at south. our lives just met each other purely while working. after our lines touched, both of us went our separate ways again. its just a short period of time, we are just back into our originially lives, before i enter ritz. but why does it seem so IMPOSSIBLE to do so.