I miss you so much.
The moment I was released from work, i miss you terribly much.
dontknow why i'm feeling this way....

Our favourite picture outta the most of all.

I reallyy miss those times.

Fuck. Eve told me he only cares for me as a brother.

I hate this. Why must it turn out to be like this.

I know i'll get upset when I know the actual answer

Yet I still die die want to know

because All i hope for is that the answer will be what I want from my heart...

If he didnt like me, why does he have to kiss me when we just woke up from the chalet?

why does he gets so freaking anxious about my hand when i injured myself?

why does he gets 'jealous' whenever I'm always sticking with Andy?

why does he keeps on disturbing me about marcus when he found out that I was smsing with marcus?

Why does he have to tell zhengmin that I "pi tui" when he found out that I am close with marcus? (PI TUI SOMEMORE. so he knows i still likes him?)

why does he have to give me that kind of look everytime?

why does he keeps on checking my hp to know who am i messaging with?

why is he willing to come and find me when i merely asked him to come over when i was at chomp chomp?

why does he kiss me when he said thanks while I passed him his belated bday present?

why does he tells me that he didnt forget about me at all during the chalet?

why does he still keeps my passport picture at his home?

why does he refrain himself from cutting botak when he knows I love his long hair?

(At dte, he told me he wanted to have a hair cut. I jokingly asked him to shave botak. he said this, "dont want la. remember that time on the bus you said you dislike botak guys?" I know he's keeping his long hair becos of me. I know......)

why does he always find excuses unknowingly to get close to me?

why does he tries to hold onto my hand on friday when I met up with him for work? (instead, he held onto my fingers.... trying to pick a fight with me but held onto my fingers)

why does he tries to hug me to slp?

why does his face gets v near to mine, with that kind of look in his eyes?

why does he tries to hug me from behind when we were on the escalator?

why does he claim himself as my 'brother'?

why does he keep his problems away from me, when I know he doesnt want me to get worried for him?

why is he forever SO STUPID to think that I dont like him anymore?

why is he so cute to me always?

why does he ask eugenia and others about me when he saw my face was black?

why does he care so much when Andy and I are contacting, he just doesnt want to admit he's jealous?

why does he act like he doesnt care but actually I can sense that he cares?

why does he cares if i'll get heartbroken or not? then he'll be keeping the truth from me.

why does he puts me as a priority after his parents?

why doesnt he wants me to know that he cares for me? He is actually caring for me behind my back, yet he doesnt show it to me.

why does he makes me think that he doesnt like me anymore?

why does he always want to be the bad guy infront of me when he is actually not?

why doesnt he wants to talk to me to settle some matters?

why does he has to make me feel as though my lovelife is like in a drama?



LASTLY, why do I want to make him feel that I dont like him, when actually I DO. All along, I admit that I got close with certain guys just becos I want to make him jealous. I wanted to test whats his reaction. but in the end I failed.... the more I talk to the guys, the more i'll think of him. Another reason of why I interact with guys is becos I wanted myself to forget about ivan. the more i get close with guys, every single minute my mind is full of ivan, i dont give a shit to others.



This time, it's really very different. I know whenever he's with zm, he could laugh and smile as he finds zm a very funny girl. If it was in the past, I would have gotten jealous and will try ways to break both of them apart. but now..... I even hoped that zm will be there for him. So that he could smile + laugh. to me, what matters most is his smile, and his laughters. that's all I wanted to see. nothing else matters other than that.



In conclusion, I hope that I still stand a special place in his heart. No matter what... even though I know once he gets into poly, he'll definitely like another girl.... I'm just a nobody to him anymore aint i? slowly, he'll start to forget me. i dread this....



& As I'm typing this post, idk how much i've teared.

Felt so happy when I manage to see him ytd. My heart sank when i heard from eve that he isnt coming.. He lied to eve. :\ sigh, he said he was tired and dont really feel like coming. Deep inside, i was hoping that his reason for coming is becos of me :) But i doubt so.. sigh

Today I lied to him. Tmr's sentosa outting and i said somebody needs his companion, obviously is me. I lied to him saying it's rena. he knows i'm lying, and he wants to know the truth. I kept on saying nobody. It's actually ME ME ME. but ya.. self-contradiction. poly is really starting soon and I'm really afraid right now.

So many things happened at the chalet. Found out that Ivan didnt forget me at all. So all of my predictions are right. but there's 1 thing. Once poly starts, we wont get to see each other often and there will be prettier girls in his course.. slowly, he will start to forget about me. He is such an ass seriously.. He got family problem, kept on drinking breezer at night, afternoon also. Face damn red, for me, 1 look I can see he got problems. I asked him, and he kept on saying "I'm okay" with that "not okay face". My heart honestly hurt like mad when I saw the situation. Zm and the rest knows what happened. But he purposely doesnt want to tell me. I asked him politely why, he said he doesnt want me to even get MORE worried for him... Feel like slapping him. He is very stupid la. I'll anyhow think of 101 possible reasons and will definitely get more worried lor. If he tells me, at least I dont have to think of so many reasons and yet I wont know the ans.. It's more worrying. Asshole.

3rd night, I was sleeping tgt with him (dont think wrong..) i swear that night was the greatest night, ever. Although he was sleeping soundly whereas I cannot get to sleep, I secretly kissed him.. hahaha, like those dramas right. I told myself, this will REALLY be the last time that I can get in contact with him at sucha close distance. Almost wanted to cry. When I woke up, I found him hugging me tightly to sleep... Seriously the feeling is very nice. I mean, I feel really v blessed, although we are bros&sis for now. He treats me as his meimei. Hope this kind of friendship continues. but i really cannot stop myself from worrying when I see him emo-ing. I hope zm will be there for him to cheer him up... that's all I want. I want him to be happy. I dont want to give him anymore problems. Ivanng, please rmb that I am still there for you. (: Be it as a friend, meimei or what... Because I still care for you, and the love I have for you didnt change, AT ALL since we got to know each other... okokok mushymushy. but it's true .

Ytd was the sentosa outting..
When I saw them, let's call him "XZX" ok? LOL!! I scared later they google his name then can find until this blog. :P
XZX supposingly was walking tgt with E. Then when Andy and I joined them, XZX came walking beside me, and bullying me as usual. :( kick the sand on me blabla.
& XZX PULL ME INTO THE SEAAAAAA URGHHHH! Rq they all asked him to buy pad for me HAHAHAH. damn funny. Was rather surprised that he is willing to accompany me walk all the way to 711. I saw the pad selling at $8.30 like wtf i can buy 2 packets at giant or smth lor... He thought I dontwanna buy is becos of being paiseh, then he actually said "You scared paiseh I help you carry the pad la" LOL TTM LA. (He doesnt look joking) Rather touched u know anot. I heard from dontknow where, when a guy is willing to sacrifice his face/ego for a girl, it means that the girl really mean a lot to him. icecream, slurpy, water, many many... sigh.
When i was talking to yy on the phone at night at vivo, I THINK HE WALK PASSED ME LEH!!!! WHAT WAS I TALKING AT THAT POINT OF TIME? SHIT I THINK HE HEARD IT. zzz

o.o

today while clearing up after the event ended, I accidentally cut my index finger.. Luckily it's right hand lor. it was bleeding lor. UNDER MY FINGERNAIL SOMEMORE. a little gross. my fingernail is like, RED IN COLOUR. lolz.

Obviously I cannot run to Him and inform about it right.. I mean, siao ah. Unless i'm still his gf lar, then if the first person to inform SHOULD BE HIM. but that isnt the case. The next person I can think of is Andy. Went back to the kitchen and told Andy, Ivan was.... at the stewarding area. Andy and I were outside chill room. Showed Andy my bleeding finger... Ivan walked passed us and he notice about it.. Andy was like telling me "faster go wash your wound first". Then it's like, before I can answer Andy, Ivan held onto my finger and dragged me go chill room to wash. LIKE omg. I swear I saw his face. Is like those damn worried one. and he kept on 'scolding' me for being dumb -_- He was holding onto my finger ALL THE WAY leh. While he was doing so, I was feeling rather elated, but at the same time kinda scared because what if other managers or Harta saw it... they will definitely scold him, as I can wash it myself mah. Sigh.. idk idk. There's something I know from today. He still cares for me. Because now HE KEEP ON BULLYING ME. Even though I know i'm not the one who is closest to him now, at least I aint a normal friend to him. I know I still cannot forget... but i'm just waiting for time to pass. Hopefully i'll be able to put down someday. Amy and yy, please dont rush me to forget this love. because I really want to treasure all this time with him even as a friend before poly starts.. once poly starts, i know i'll never ever have the chance to see him ever again. this is what i truly fear. I can only see him thru fb pictures.. that's all. Ya but i know both of you are hoping that i'll get over it soon, but i know both of you arent rushing me. loveya guys so much. :)

THANKS AMYYYYY FOR THE CHEERING UP POST :) hehe.
& maybe what Amy said is right, the reason why I cannot seem to forget him is because during work i'll still get to see him, thats why.
Because today he didnt report to work due to his injuries, and I totally feel NOTHING. I mean, I thought today's work will be rather sian or what becos he never attend. However, unexpectedly I had fun!!! ^^ Just that while enterring the kitchen, I feel alittle "empty". Like usually if he got work in the same event as me, I'll tend to have the urge to find excuses to go to the kitchen, because I have a chance of seeing his face. But today I am freaking lazy to go to the kitchen. HAHAHHA I KNOW I V FUNNEH.

But ya, everytime I'll make excuses to fly back to the kitchen, hoping that i'll be able to see him as well. But today, I kept on asking my group mates to go to the kitchen instead. muahaha.

Time will heal I GUESS. I've already started to take notice of other guys. BUT. I dont even think of having a crush. No matter how many handsome guys I take note of, he is still in my mind. zzz

feeling deeper or?

Now when I look at his face (picture), i'll feel damn bloody angry. IDK WHY. zzz.
You mentioned before, not to hate him, because if i ever do, i'll never be able to forget him. BUT I AM DAMN ZZZZZZZZZ. IDK WHY IDK WHY. His facebook shoutout is apologising. I only SUSPECT it's referring to me. because in my plurk i was writing about the letter blabla.

I swear I got bloody pissed when I see him apologising (i'll just take it as he's referring to me) over fb. LIKE WTF. Does he think that apologising will solve the problem? HE'S FOREVER APOLOGISING TO ME because he doesnt like me anymore! F-ing pissed. If he is really feeling apologetic about it, in the first place he shouldnt have played with me. He shouldnt even got to know me in the first place...........

I know what am I pissed at. I am pissed at him NOT because he's close with other girls.

I. Am. Pissed. Off. Because. How. Can. He. Say. "Dont. like. me. anymore". So. Easily. When. I. Cant. Even. Do. It.

HOW COME HE CAN SO FAST DONT LIKE ME ONE. AM I REALLY THAT IRRITATING. I ALSO NV MAKE HIM OR SMTH. Fuck. zz. I was really stupid to believe that he might not forget about me. He doesnt even give a shit to me anymore. All the conversations I had with him before, he's having the similar one with his dearest jie.
Thats why I kept on reminding myself, he aint treating me as the special one anymore. never. ever.

Till now, I havent stop questioning myself if joining Airshow is the right choice.
Everything before airshow seemed so perfect, work seemed easy, peaceful, joy, whatever positive adjective you can think of. Friendship seemed growing, prosperous, stronger, happier etc. Life seemed full of surprises, filled with love, feeling happy whenever I wake up everyday, stress-free, any trouble cannot bring me down.

After that unforgettable week, everything has slowly changed, unknowingly. Everything was too perfect until I couldnt be alert and notice that every single thing that is filled with happiness is vanishing. Infact, I thought things will EVEN get better. I was so naive and so wrong. I aint referring to 1 matter, but many, as a whole. After ssckk reminded me that the first time when he was my group leader, everything seemed easy. But now. Fucking stressful. Last time our happiness bar is full, but now, half half.. Typical Singaporean ah me. Forever complaining.

I said I feel blessed when I see her with you. It assures me that she'll take good care of you, even better than me.
But I dontknow why, sometimes I'll feel paranoid & pessimistic.
E commented that both of us are quite funny. Both of us like cannot put down the past (idk about you), yet there's another person of the opposite gender who is close to us. In other words, it's like wanting to make each other jealous.
I know this sound ridiculous. Maybe not even love at all. Love isnt supposed to be jealous, instead I should feel truly elated if I ever see him tgt with her.
Just some parts of me feel............ a little awkward. A small little part of me is extremely afraid that something might sparkle between them. He assured me that nothing will come outta it because she's older. But Idk about her... she is very sociable with guys, who knows one day she might treat him not only as a brother.
sigh. Now in his life, the only thing that revolves around him is SISTER.
Seriously I wonder if you still care for me, even for A BIT.

I have told yy about today.
-He took the initiative to talk to me, as a friend.
-He notices me.
-He took barley water for me to drink. (P.S. I REALLY WANTED TO CHOOSE BARLEY & I DIDNT KNOW THAT HE KNOW)
-He got stunned and used 'coincidence' as an excuse
-He purposely sat beside me
-Rq knew it was awkward, she asked me to sit beside her instead.
-He knew I dont eat spicy things
-He notices me.

I really dont care if he did all this as a friend or lover. From what I know, both of us promised to care for each other as friends. I am also caring for him as a friend. I'm really satisfied to see E taking care of him. I believe E can do a better job than me. Since he feels happier by spending all his time with winston and co., I should feel happy for him. (: I've learnt. I know I still love him. thats for sure. I've never ever wanted to forget him or forget this love. This is one-sided thingy. I know it's gonna be hard, but at least I can be there for him as a friend. that's all I want. Afterall, i still hope sincerely that he still cannot forget me.................. HEHEH SO EVIL RIGHT ME. I still hope his feelings for me didnt change.. i really hope so. But once poly life starts, hahaha DAMN HARD TO SAY ALR. really must let fate decides for me. because i cannot 100% guarantee I will still love him after poly life starts. but i can 100% comfirm that I wont be interested in other guys anymore. In conclusion, it's either I still continue to care for him, or I dont love him already. because if I never have the chance to see him, feelings might fade. MIGHT. but usually for me, IT WONT FADE. So yah. aiya. care for him as a friend is enough for me.

damn pissed off. Mum and dad keeps on saying they have no $ for laptop, fees blabla. then in the first place when they asks me to go poly, i alr questioned them if they have the ability to do so because poly's fees and miscellanous things are gonna be a burden to them. they keep on saying AS LONG AS YOU CAN GET IN, MONEY NO PROBLEM. then now what?!
I decided not to apply for the PC notebook financial assistance scheme already. it's seriously freaking mafan, have to send things to SP, go DBS bank sign this and that, photocopy things bla. wtfuck. somemore the very first step of applying is to log onto some bloody website. I TRIED USING MY SP ACCOUNT BUT THEY SAY MY ID DOESNT EXIST. damn pissed off. it's just $1.1k+ cannot even pay meh? if they cannot even pay for my laptop, i think the following semester is gonna have a hard time. tyvm.

I dont know if yuanyi is still reading my blog... lolol.

Yea this is the only place that i can pen down all my thoughts and stuff... the only 'quiet' place.
Ytd was playing truth or dare with colleagues. I kanna truth. Actually the atmosphere is kinda awkward.. because I truly believe that they actually want to ask me something regarding him. But in the end Rena asked me if i like boys with chesthair.. hahaha.

I truly feel blessed that there's a girl out there who is taking care of him as a brother. seriously. It's not jealousy.. just that sometimes i'll feel a little sad, (but that's allright) because I aint the girl who's always there for him. it's not gonna be me anymore.

I know all the managers are laughing behind my back, i know. by looking at their faces, i can see it. They must be thinking, i'm so desperate for him. whatever... although it's kinda hurting, I'm gonna be okay. I will stay strong... I must have really made him turned off thats why he dislikes me now. I even find it awkward to stay as friends.. quite true. somebody told me this. if you and him can really stay as friends within sucha short period of time without any awkwardness, that means either both of you didnt truly love each other or both of you acknowledge the r/s as a fling. I really cannot make friends with him for sucha short time. I cannot do it. Because I truly love him before and I dont take that r/s as a fling. but idk about him. He must be telling the managers of what truly happened.. They never fail to threaten him to say the truth... I feel so bloody hurt right now.

Why must I always wear a mask wherever I go? Infront of a certain ppl, i needa wear mask A. Infront of another group of ppl I needa wear mask B. Now even infront of my family I needa wear mask C. The only time when I dont needa wear masks is when I'm alone.

i can tell nobody

Dear diary, I dreamt of him again.. Why does my dream consists of him every single day? This time round I dreamt of him getting intimate with me just like how he used to... As i'm typing this, my heart is crying... Physically also. I still remember those times when he said something i cannot hear, then i'd say "huh what did you say?" and he'll act cute and say "i said i love you". I really didnt know what to reply as i was really touched by it, so i scolded him "siao". Then he'll act getting pissed off and say "ok lor you say I siao, mandy soon this will be the last time i'm gonna say this to you" with that act cute face... I could never forget about this. But without fail, he'll forget about it and this scenario happens again.. it really brightens my day to see his 'acting-piss-off-face'.. Ytd was my first day of moving on.. today is the 2nd day. It really hurts me freaking much... I had always thought that moving on is easy to me. I just dont have to remember the love we once shared. But it isnt easy as what i've thought... it seriously hurts. i've read my previous posts. I mentioned that this r/s aint that hurting as the past 2 r/s i've had. I AM WRONG. very wrong... this r/s seriously hurts me THE MOST.
I have to put up a strong front for my friends and family, because i dontwant them to worry... All of them are telling me that he isnt worth my tears at all, prove to him that i can live better without him. Different advices.. i've heard of it until i sian already. But there's 1 thing...

How can I prove to him that I can live better without him when I actually cant do it?!?! I feel so hypocritical to do so... Well im not trying to say that i can die without him. but life without him feels like something big is really missing in my life. Andy asked me to move on. He asked me to cheer up. Weili told me this kind of guy is seriously NOTHING. She feels that Ivan didnt even like me in the first place. Many told me that I wasnt ivan's first gf, he was just lying to you. zm says leave it to fate if both of you are really meant to be tgt. edna says give up on him and move on. love says dont care about whatever hes doing. eddy says just dont care and he believes he'll have his retribution soon.

Idk whats my own say. Afterall the decision lies in me. But all I know now is that I STILL GET AFFECTED BY HIM. How am i supposed to move on? I've already deleted all his messages to me, including the VERY first intro sms he sent me. I was crying without any tears while doing so.. Including that confession sms he sent me on 16th dec.. how could I be so jue and delete it?!

He has really changed.. I hate the fact that the old harry is dead.. I really really want that old harry back....... i really want him back badly. The new ivan is killing me.. he doesnt give a damn to me, he started to get rebelious, he isnt the one that motivates me to work. he doesnt seem to be that caring anymore.

sometimes it really sucks to lie to your friends that you're ok when you're actually not. but even if i tell them i'm not okay, they also cannot do anything.. so why bother to tell them the truth?

last time i use to sleep, hopefully to make myself better. but now the more i sleep, the more pain i'll get....... sometimes i just feel sucha failure. why did i lose to ivan ng hao jun. He is just a normal guy who lives at north, while i live at south. our lives just met each other purely while working. after our lines touched, both of us went our separate ways again. its just a short period of time, we are just back into our originially lives, before i enter ritz. but why does it seem so IMPOSSIBLE to do so.

wo hen shang xin... wo bu xiang ba ta gei wang ji. wo bu yao ta cong wo de sheng ming li li kai. wei shen me gao bie de shi hou zong shi zhe me de tong ne?

Yea, we broke up. I didnt cry all the time. Only at some times then i'll cry, but not for long.. it's either when I'm lying on the bed or I looked at our pic, the messages and memories. Other than that, i didnt cry.

However, all the time I feel damn heavy. freaking. It feels as though i've gained 10kg. Every step that I take, it seems forever. I was still hoping that all this is a dream. I cannot stop myself from it. Frankly speaking, this r/s didnt really hurt me that much as compared to past 2. Or maybe this hurts the most, just that I'm getting used to being hurt, so i dont really feel much impact.

Many ppl are telling me to move on. I feel that he still likes me. feel. But I know someday, he will eventually start to forget me already. I know he's treating me as an option, yet I still couldnt stop myself from treating him as priority. Maybe I've really grown up. I dont wish for more. I am not like in the past, hoping that we will patch back. If he's really more comfortable without me, i'm happy. If that's what he wants and he feels that he can have a better life, i'm happy. Idk and I dont care if I still like him. I cannot say i'll like him forever. Because who knows, once poly life starts, everything change. He might even get a gf from his course, everyday can see each other, how great. Maybe the girl lives near him, damn good. Can meet up conveniently. As for me, I have already made a deal with myself.. After him, I wont be involved in another relationship anymore. 3 times failed. I had enough. Singlehood is better, although at times you really hope that there's a guy whos always there for you. Relationships are freaking tiring.. always hurt here and there.. i'm really getting numb.

Since he wants to concentrate on his studies, spend more time with mum, so be it. He said both of us cannot understand each other, he said he's too immature for relationships, so be it. I wont find him a bastard because he still treats me as a friend. In a way, we are back to siblings.. The brother who used to take care of me during work, the brother who used to dote on me, the brother who used to care for me.. Is back. It's better than him totally ignoring me. thats the bastard.

I still couldnt stop myself from stalking his facebook, looking at his msn name+pm even if he's offline. I still couldnt stop myself from looking under "colleagues" to see if he's online everytime. When he's online, we dont talk. But somehow I can feel that we are connected even though there isnt any msn conversations with him. At least we have 1 thing in common which is, we are on msn. At least i can visualise him sitting infront of his computer. when he's offline and not working at ritz, not smsing me, I feel fucking lost. I cannot visualise where is he. Its like a rat getting lost in a jungle. I need to constantly visualise where is he, so that I can have a peace of mind. Take now for example. he isnt working today, and i saw him online for JUST AWHILE and went offline. I wonder if he's appearing offline or really offline. I feel damn lost right now as i couldnt visualise him at all. But I guess he's at home. Thats the reason why sometimes i'll just ask my friends "where are you" just for fun, because I am visualising where are them etc. I feel more at ease. Yy is working right now, and I can visualise that she must be running up and down in her sakae uniform. But.... I cannot visualise him.

why am i writing all this here.. to be honest, I somehow hope that he'll read it and pretend he doesnt know this blog. like funny hor? I want him to know how i feel , but i just couldnt open my mouth and tell him. hoping that he'll somehow come across to this blog of mine, and keep mum about it. hahahhaha, isnt that what every girl hopes for, for those who has a private blog of their own? If they really want to keep it private, they wont even announce it in their public blog yeh.

finally

Finally i've created a private blog for myself. :) At least when I have to rant everything, I can just rant it over here.
Usually when girls create a private blog, yet it's unlocked, it meant that the girl would silently hope that particular person whom we've been referring to will be reading this blog someday. Yes I admit I am feeling this way, right now. But the other side of me hopes that he wont get to read this, because if he really does, more and more misunderstandings will occur and I dont think our r/s could continue yeh..


So today we kinda cold war. i know i'm fucking lame. i know.
his pm wrote he'll be a good boy. sounds v familiar as i rmbed seeing him on fb telling YH (ok i'll not mention anybody's names here, later got more misunderstandings then gg) that he'll be a good boy. yes, he told me "YH asked me to be good boy de" im like damn agitated when i saw that. Last time when I asked him to PROMISE me not to smoke, he broke it. I asked him to be a good boy as well, he broke it by smoking. Now YH aka his jiejie just told him over fb and he got so obedient. I feel so fucking hurt. I know I shouldnt be so sensitive. He knows the reason why im so sensitive. For the past 2 fail r/s, both of the guys simply hurt me when I completely trust them. thinking that they got close with girls = ok for me. but in the end they disliked me. So now frankly speaking, if you want me to 100% trust Ivan, sorry to say but I cant. I'm fucking afraid that the history would repeat itself again. and i know this is very unfair to him. but I just couldnt ask myself to take the risk one more time. Looking at all the posts he made on fb to his so-called jiejie, plus smsing JY, it totally hurts me. I already tried not to be too close with my bros, afraid that ivan might not be happy. but in the end it's other way round. do you know that sometimes i really wish that the reason of him getting closer to other girls is because he wants to take revenge on me?!?! I would seriously feel better this way if that's the truth.
Even though he was just joking around, telling me that he'll go find other girls once poly life starts, i still feel afraid. fucking afraid to the extend whereby i'll push him away, neglect him all the way just becos the fear is surrounding me?
even though both of us alr acknowledged each other as our future spouses, hah. I still feel that i'm gonna lose Ivan ng haojun one day due to my immature actions. and i'll be down there crying alone without anybody to wipe my tears away.
today i just had a nightmare. dreamt of ivan ng leaving me. he was inside his daddy's car and waving at me. after that i went to the washroom or smth, then i got stucked inside and no matter how loud my voice is, nobody is there for me anymore. do you know how scary it is?!?! words totally cannot be described.
well i shouldnt be complaining now. i should just sleep. maybe i should just stop stalking his fb profile.
I know this is fucking ridiculous, but just now i almost have the urge to break up with him...?! Its not because i dont like him anymore. I just dont want my sensitive/paranoia actions to make him hate me... i really dont want him to hate me due to my paranoia. I would rather break up, at least i wont throw my temper at him anymore.. i wont make him feel bad or sad anymore.. I just want him to be happy, but somehow i can sense that he isnt happy when i'm always being unreasonable. I make him sad. I feel fucking guilty. Should I just give him a break by not deciding to stay with him? But... i still love him fucking much.

hi yuanyi. plz message me after you finish reading this ok. cos i really dont know what to do. in a dilemma.